Misogyny-Hatred of Women



The Misogynist Hostility toward women is usually caused by trauma involving a female figure

Misogyny is typically an unconscious hatred that men form early in life, often as a result of a trauma involving a female figure they trusted. An abusive or negligent mother, sister, teacher or girlfriend can plant a seed deep down in their brain’s subcortical matter, which can cause an emotional disconnect and dislike. In most cases, a misogynist does not even know that he hates women. I began researching and seeking an answer as to why my husband, Tom, was so verbally abusive. I had known over the years how he had no respect or love for his mother. But the relationship between his abuse towards me and his mother did not really connect until I read the book, “Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them” When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know Why– by Dr. Susan Forward and Joan Torres. This book was an eye opener and answered many of my questions. I finally understood why Tom seemed to have such a disdain for me. I knew there was some underlying reason why Tom was so determined to verbally assault me and his behavior was the result of his disfunctional relationship with his mother. I had finally found the answer and realized he was actually afraid of me .

Dr. Forward quote “What often happens is that this man becomes magnetically attracted to a strong woman and then tries to weaken her. What he is doing is trying to rewrite the old family script to make it come out better. If he can control a powerful woman, he can prove to himself he is more of a man than his father was. He will win the battle that his father was afraid to fight.”

In families where the father is passive and the mother is controling, domineering and emotionally needy, he can learn to be contemptuous of women. Tom’s father was very mild mannered and passive. On the other hand, she was the “unpleasant” needy, domineering partner. I am not positive if this is true, but I was told by a family member that his mother wanted a girl and did not pick him up for 2 weeks after his birth. That would certainly cause anxiety in a new born.

Every time a misogynist can put down a woman or hurt her feelings, they unconsciously feel good because deep down in their brain, their bad behavior is rewarded with a dose of the pleasure chemical dopamine—which makes them want to repeat the behavior again and again.   Much of his abusive behavior is a cover-up for his tremendous anxiety about women. He is caught in the conflict between his need for the woman’s love and his deepseated fear of her. He has a secret belief that if he can strip her of her self-confidence, she will be as dependent on him as he is on her. By making her weak, she will not leave him. Therefore, he calms some of his own fears of being abandoned.  Not long after the honeymoon phase, a misogynist will make a very rude comment or lash out at his partner over something very minor. My story is the exact scenario. Eight months into our marriage, instead of Tom greeting me with a kiss and pleasant conversation, he blindsided me with a very rude comment. I can’t remember his exact words, but it was so unnerving I had to retreat to our bedroom, to gather my composure and try to understand what the hell just happened.

Answer the following list of questions from Dr. Forward’s book-

• Does he assume the right to control how you live and behave?

• Have you given up important activities or people in your life in order to keep him happy?

• Does he devalue your opinions, your feelings, and your accomplishments?

• Does he yell, threaten, or withdraw into angry silence when you displease him?

• Do you “walk on eggs” rehearsing what you will say so as not to set him off?

• Does he bewilder you by switching from charm to rage without warning?

• Do you often feel confused, off-balance, or inadequate with him?

• Is he extremely jealous and possessive?

• Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship?

If you answered “yes” to many of these questions, more than likely you are living with a misogynist.